1. Parenting truths: The best way to keep kids at home is to make a pleasant atmosphere and let the air out of their tires.
2. Parenting truths: Families are like fudge... mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
3. Parenting truths: Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that has held its ground.
4. Parenting truths: Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the inside.
5. Parenting truths: If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.
6. Mother taught me logic: If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can't go to the store with me.
7. Mother taught me medicine: If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they're going to freeze that way.
8. Mother taught me to think ahead: If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job.
9. Mother taught me ESP: Put your sweater on, don't you think that I know when you're cold?
10. Mother taught me to meet a challenge: What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you. Don't talk back to me.
11. Mother taught me humor: When the lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.
12. Mother taught me how to become an adult: If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.
13. Mother taught me about genetics: You are just like your father.
14. Mother talked to me about my roots: Do you think you were born in a barn?
15. Mother taught me about the wisdom of age: When you get to be my age, you'll understand.
16. Mother taught me about anticipation: Just wait until your father gets home.
17. Mother taught me about justice: One day, you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.
18. I found a great new day care center. It's called "Cookies and Chloroform."
19. Little Julie was looking at her brand-new baby brother who was fast asleep. After staring at the tiny, motionless baby quite awhile, Julie asked her mother, "Didn't he come with batteries?"
20. If your child asks how Santa Claus get into the house, say he comes in through a large hole in Daddy's wallet.
21. Dad: The only way to acquire a new skill is to start at the bottom. Son: But I want to learn to swim.
22. Pedestrian: A man who has two cars, a wife and a teenager.
23. Modern home is one where a single switch can control everything but the kids.
24. Age 4 to 18 is clearly the time of peak mental activity in humans. At four, we know all the questions and by eighteen, all the answers.
25. Dad: This room's a mess. When will our kids start picking up their toys? Mom: When they have kids.
26. Kid truths: When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.
27. Kid truths: If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
28. Kid truths: You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
29. Kid truths: Reading what people write on desks can teach you a lot.
30. Kid truths: Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
31. Kid truths: Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a Tic Tac.
32. Kid truths: Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time.
33. Kid truths: School lunches stick to the wall.
34. Kid truths: You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
35. What Columbus' mother would